The first time I seriously came across this old age question “what is the meaning of life” in my conscious memory is in grade 11 at youth parliament in Victoria. As usual during Question Period, the opposition tried to stump the premier and his cabinet by asking all sorts of obscure questions, both in seriousness and in good humour (it was youth parliament after all). Amidst the good fun, low and behold, this question came up. I remember the premier at the time, who also happened to be the older brother of an elementary school friend of mine, paused and then confidently answered, “as my grade four teacher says, the meaning of life is to give life meaning.” It was brilliant answer in my sixteen year old eyes.Five years later, with a political science degree and government experience under my belt, the question remains and the journeys in between the time have led me to different answers and to meet people with different answers. Despite the differences, a similar theme emerges always – the desire to have meaning and to have fulfillment in our relationships, in our vocation and in our simple everyday living.
Lately, in my own inner struggles with my own vocation, I have been reading the book of Exodus in the Bible. The miraculous deliverance from Egypt, the Ten Commandments, the desert wanderings and the Promise Land, this book has it all! And it seems that the events in Exodus marked Israel as God’s chosen people, where covenants were made and where years hence, in times of praise and trouble the Jewish people would look back at these events and remember who they are, and why they are here in earth.
I don’t know about you but the Ten Commandments had always seemed to me to be like laws, like Hammurabi’s great code. I was thinking about it again and reading again and I realize it’s not quite like that – the way the commandments were written resembles how royal treaties were written at the time, and that makes sense with Israel being chosen by God as his holy nation. It’s not so much a “to not do” list as it is an understanding, and I think throughout the whole thing God is just saying, here guys, here’s a choice between blessings and curses. If you follow me, the One who brought you out of slavery in Egypt, if you really follow me, you’re set and you’ll be blessed. And if you don’t…well…And what was funny when I was reading again was how there is nothing about what we have “to do”, like there is nothing about vocation or things like that. Commandments like honour your parents or not committing murder are not specific things perse, but they are more like attitudes that shape your entire worldview, not specific things you don’t do (though I suppose it could be…LOL). And then I was thinking about the manner in which God gave the Ten Commandments to Moses, how God asked Moses to come up the mountain, up close and personal, and not only so, but asked the Israelites to come close to the mountain, though not touching it. It seems like God wanted his people close to him, as he laid out the foundations of this important treaty that would guide and mark them as his people. And then I noticed the people’s response, how when the Israelites saw the thunder and lightening and heard the trumpet, they got scared and stayed back physically from the mountain even though they were given in the invitation to be up close (20: 18-19). And I thought, maybe it is not just a physical distance but a spiritual one as well, how it is easier to think of a God who is a judge but harder to think of God as a friend, because being a friend entails much more and requires a intimate two way relationship.
Before my journeys in Exodus, I was reading Micah, a little book but with a great great verse that has spawned lately, a great movement (Micah Challenge). When it comes to meaning of life as a Christian and such, it says this “to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8). The last phrase particularly stood out to me and as I was thinking about that and thinking about the mountain in Exodus, maybe that really is it. A person’s meaning does not come from what s/he does or even who s/he is, but comes from her/his closeness with God. The other variables can easily change, and I still think how funny it is how the people I work at the office with all have at least a master’s degree and yet you would never ever know if you saw them on the street. A bummy looking on the bus can be a phD or homeless, the lines aren’t that black and white. But the closeness, now that is something else. This is a scary realization because it really throws into wack everything I had considered important in my life, typical of someone my age: a meaningful vocation, the special person. At the same time, it comes as a relief perhaps, realizing that my own attempts at finding and constructing meaning, is futile after all.
I received an unexpected strange email this week from UBC Financial Aid and Student Awards. It was an invitation to apply for the Rhodes Scholarship. UBC did a computer scan of all the 4th years who had an average above a certain mark, and when I checked at the student service centre, I realized that I had just reached the number by 0.1 percent. I laughed at that because it is so beyond me. It was even more funny because I was just thinking lately and talking to my coworkers about prestigious awards and such, and how I think people don’t try to win the Nobel Peace Prize. It just happens, like they just live their lives and just do their thing, and sometimes, though most often rarely, they get recognized for it, but they don’t try, they don’t set that as a goal in life. And in the midst of me lately trying to get a job in Vancouver, and preparing for grad school aps and funding...I think these things will just come you know, if it's meant to be. That's so damn hard to accept for a Type A personality.
Closeness to God. Or as my coworkers says, the spiritual connection, the beingness. Moses’ face radiated so much that he had to hid in order to protect the others. I want my life to radiate, I want to be so close that circumstances don’t matter and no person or no job will dictate my beingness and my self worth but the Creator life and all that is good and beautiful.
When we ask, “what is the meaning of life” I think we focus too much on ourselves and the me part. What is the meaning of my life when really, maybe life is not all about you. And so I think when we ask ourselves that question, I think we end up trying to do two things way too much – to prove ourselves and to find ourselves. I had three interviews in the three days this week and as I repeated again and again, trying to sell my qualifications with my transcript and my resume, I was so sick of trying to prove myself worthy, and to affirm myself of who I am. There's nothing wrong with wanting to go to a developing country, or the top school, those are just things and they are neutral. It's the why that matters. Like Snenfer said to me last night, more profoundly than he could have thought, it’s your closeness to God that matters Anna, nothing else.
(steamtrain | stone structure on Victoria Island | being in two places at once! the sign on Portage Bridge marking the border between Quebec and Ontario)
