The Race

My first Sun Run!

The loud speaker blars, “On your marks, get set, go!”
The human wave moves at the horn’s blow
Nervous, cold, bouncing from foot to foot
Somehow she musters up the courage to follow

1km – one is for the first, always sweet, times in life
The baby steps, slow dances and first loves
She passes the first marker with slight hesitation
As her ams and legs warm to fall into manifestation

3km – two is company but three is more fun
The sound of three best friends in the sun
“The best friend a girl could have”, I’d always say
There is always room for shopping and chick flicks

5km – five is the number in her family plus a cat
All who have walked through the dark valley -
Her eyes stray to eye the top of the steep hill
Towards the fifth marker, she runs with all her will

7km – seven is the symbol of God’s perfection
On the seventh day he rested with satisfaction
Crossing the bridge over the sparkling water
She pauses to breathe in creation’s goodness

9km – nine is the number of lives of a cat
Are more lives lost near the end or the beginning?
Her mind perks at the sight of the finish line
Oh God, when will the prize finally be mine?

10km – ten is the day and month of her birthday
She finally accepts whatever comes, hard as it may
A mixture of sweat and relief with thousands around her
Such energy, such beauty – such vitality and life!

And as one race finishes here, another begins there
In the ever intertwined story of humanity -
For joy is to sorrow, as fear is to courage
There is always room for faith, and one to encourage

May you watch over my steps, she kneels to pray -
For every lonely night and each beautiful day.

Getaway

It has been a gorgeous three spring days in Vancouver. Blue skies and snowed capped mountains, lakes and the ocean all around enveloped in cherry blossoms – what more can a girl ask for? The beauty is surreal.

I am trying very hard not to freak out in waiting. Everyday on the way home on the skytrain I wonder if a letter or package from SSHRC came, even though I keep saying to myself that it will come on a day when I am not expecting it. I looked again at my application package today, and I realized that I misspelt my street name on the form under “current address” even though my permanent address is correct. I laughed at myself, a part of me secretly wondering, is this why I haven’t heard anything yet? I just finished firing off an email confirming the correct spelling of my street. I reread the guidelines on the website on how the funds will be used and distributed, and what I have to do if I end up changing programs and schools. I applied for SSHRC for political science at UT, but if I decide to go into planning at UT, I am not sure if that would affect my eligibility. Really, I am interested in the same damn thing. I am interesting in changing structures, such as institutions or the rules of the game, in order to allow for more equitable and just social policies and programs. Same ideas, different possible applications with the two programs – I just…I just don’t know if it would still be OK…that is of course, that I win the darn award in the first place.

And what if I don’t win? I don’t know how my application could be better, if it can be better – I spent so long writing it, worked so hard to achieve the grades and the references. I’ll probably cry. Wait, I am already. I don’t know if I would still go if I didn’t get the award. My parents offered to help support me for my first year. That is a very difficult thing for me to accept, and I don’t know if I would really take up their offer. A part of my beats myself for traveling to Asia this summer instead of working to save money for grad school. Realistically, if I didn’t travel this summer and I worked, I would save enough for first year without a loan. But I know this is perhaps my only chance of traveling…I don’t know when the next opportunity would come, if it would. And I think, what is $17 500 worth? Is it worth all my anxiety over this anticipated award? I feel like it is worth so much, and yet so little. For all I know, I could get into a car accident tomorrow, easily totaling more than $17 500, or contract a deadly disease, with extra medical bills totaling easily ten times more than $17 500.

I remember that I had no idea how I would really afford to take that semester off UBC and go to TWU in Ottawa when I applied for the LLC. I didn’t even know how cold Ottawa would be, and could you believe that I never researched it? Or cared enough to research it? I just…went and believed I guess. I never thought I would win that $10 000 scholarship, I still remember checking my email nonchalantly as usual on one typical day while working that summer at Bard on the Beach, and literally falling off my chair when I saw that email saying "congratulations!" God are you trying to provide for me like that again? Either through this council or through my parents? I just feel that the stakes are so much higher. If I accept my parent’s money, for the first time in my life, I feel like I owe them performance. Perhaps more importantly, I owe myself performance. Even if I receive the award, I still think about how I am going to pay my second year tuition and living, and the student loans I have left over from my undergrad. It’s like this never ending cycle. The reality of life and survival is strong, and its chains bind me. But breathe Anna breathe, one day at a time...the world is not on your shoulders...though it feels like it sometimes.

It must be kind of nice not to have to worry about finances. To not have to work part time or during the summer to survive, and to be able to throw away things without repercussions. I know everyone has their burdens though, that I can’t discount or even compare. It’s not fair like that, but God you know what I mean. It’s just a passing feeling I get sometimes, like now.

I am having a really good time at home right now, with my family and with extended church family, and friends. These are the moments that you want to freeze and stay in forever – but I know they can’t last, or else they wouldn’t be so good. It’s like what the Greek gods said to mortals right? That it’s the gods who are jealous of mortals because their mortality makes every moment precious, everything count.

People at work have been really great. I can feel that they genuinely care about me, the offers from Catherine and Paula to ask people they know in Toronto about housing. When I told Catherine that I got into UT planning, she gave me a hug! It was so nice. I know my parents are proud and supportive, the way my mom told me about my parent’s financial offer, it’s just not expressed in the same way that’s all. I'm truly blessed.

I went to see my family doctor today to see the results of the blood and urine test – and no I am not anemic! Perfectly healthy. Peter just got another job again, at in telemarketing. He’s so happy whenever he gets an interview or offer, and he’s had quite a few now. I’m happy too, but I worry about my parents. It’s so nice to see that they have some time together off, like this weekend when my dad was actually home at nights. For years, he hasn’t been able to be home for dinner. Him being home is a rare occasion. I guess I just want to see my parents be able to enjoy their life instead of working so much in order to support the family, to support these kids that are suppose to have left the nest already. I dyed my mom’s hair on Saturday, pretty good job if I do say so myself, and I see her grays and whites. Just give me a few more years, the voice within me screams, and I’ll be able to help support you…But maybe they understand a more sacrificial love than I do, that enables them to go on everyday in spite of it all.

I am so scared and I am so sad, dramatized by my random bursts of tears. LOL, it’s like the song “Getaway” by Monica. Not a famous singer, but maybe the superwoman complex...

(verse 1)
started as a little girl
singing soul changed my world
flipped my world upside down
i got lost and i couldn't be found
so much on my shoulders
and so much on my mind
seems no one can help me
i think i just need some time

(Chorus)
sometimes i wish i could fly away
looking for a place to getaway
get away from all the heartache and pain
that life can bring
i really dont wanna sound
like i cant stand my ground
but everybody need some time
that they can getaway...

(verse 2)
sometimes i wish i was invisible
cause then no one would know where i am
to ask me for anything
cause ive given so much of me
when is it time for me to receive
cause Monica has her needs
who's gonna look out for me

(Chorus)
sometimes i wish i could hide away
looking for a place to getaway
get away from all the heartache and pain
that life can bring
i really dont wanna sound
like i cant hold my ground
but everybody need some time
that they can getaway...

(verse 3)
you know im not superwoman
and im not made of steel
i try my best to handle
all i have to deal with
not as easy as it seems
and to think this was my dream
now for everything i have im grateful
but sometimes i wanna getaway

(Chorus)
sometimes i wish i could hide away
looking for a place to getaway
get away from all the heartache and pain
that life can bring
i really dont wanna sound
like i cant hold my ground
but everybody need some time
that they can getaway...

(Chorus)
sometimes i wish i could hide away
looking for a place to getaway
get away from all the heartache and pain
that life can bring
i really dont wanna sound
like i cant stand my ground
but everybody need some time
that they can getaway...

And like there are other tracks on the CD, there are other tracks to life. Some tracks will be slower, some faster, and some sweeter than others. God, I leave it up to you to play those tracks out, may you give me the wisdom to live my days full of compassion and love. I really like this poem...

We cannot pray to You, O God, to end the war;
For we now that You made the world in a way
That man must find his own path to peace
Within himself and with his neighbor.
We cannot merely pray to You, O God, to end starvation;
For you have already given us the resources
With which to feed the entire world
If we would only use them wisely.
We cannot merely pray to You, O God,
To root out prejudice,
For you have already given us eyes
With which to see the good in all men
If we would only use them rightly.
We cannot merely pray to You, O God, to end despair,
For You have already given us the power
To clear away slums and to give hope
If we would only use our power justly.
We cannot merely pray to You, O God, to end disease,
For you have already given us great minds with which
To search out cures and healing,
If we would only use them constructively.
Therefore we pray to You instead, O God,
For strength, determination, and willpower,
To do instead of just to pray,
To become instead of merely to wish.

The Seventh Day

I seldom watch television, but once in a while a show will catch my eye. My mom, sister and I spent our free waking hours during the last two days watching The Seventh Day. It was good! So cheesy I know, and of course I cried, but so good.

Maybe God does answer my prayers in funny ways. I was pretty upset early this week, some frustrating circumstances at work that had me near tears at one point, and with what happened at home. As I went to bed Monday night and thought about on the skytrain rides to and from work, why me, why do all these bad things happen to me...the day-old questions since the beginning.

The TV series was about two couples, and the last big struggle for one of the couples was that the girl had a fatal genetic disorder. Can't give away the story, but when I was watching the show I was thinking about how many hurdles both couples had to endure. I always get angry and anxious during the times when they break up or aren't together, sometimes that's why I don't like watching these things! I know life is not television, but interesting I thought this particular series is a bit more down-to-earth and realistic than other HK dramas. I could relate to having to fight the battles, and basking in the good times when they come.

I think my life is at one of those 'good times' right now. If life were like a beaker of chemicals, I can see that there are many reactions that can take place at any moment that can change the entire composition to be too acidic or too basic. For now though, it's pretty neutral.

The most surprising part of this TVB series I think, was seeing the subtle hints of God. The storyline by the mostly-absent narrator/painter ended with the phrase regarding 'the seventh day' and how though creation was called into being on the other six days...it was that day that is the best, the most beautiful, because it was the day of rest.

Nothing in life is certain, and I more and more realize the fragility of life and my own mortality and the mortality of all those I love. I want to bask, to rest and to enjoy the beauty of this 'seventh day'.