Confessions of a pastor-to-be’s (ex) girlfriend

I have a few confessions to make, and a few apologies to give. As usual, I think in songs and verses, so you have to keep these songs in mind while you are reading because this is my soundtrack.

Getting into You (Relient K)
I didn’t know what I was getting into when I took your hand almost a year ago. I had never done that before, and leaving the romantics on the doorstep, I never realized what tough work a relationship is, and the choices involved. I never was a clingy person, and though relationships are so central to our essence as human beings (how else do you learn to love?), I have always been independent, and content running alone or reading a book (mind you, I am blessed with the incredible people in my life near and far). I realized this year what a selfish person I am, and how though I say that I want somebody who loves God more than me above all else, I confess that I didn’t at heart – I wanted, like the fairytales, somebody who would give their all for me. Thank God, you didn’t do that. I realize how popular culture has influenced my idea of “love” and what it means being in a relationship, and how far I have come from what it was created to be. Let me try to explain.

In many pivotal times in my life when I have succeeded in achieving something I had sought, be it a prestigious award or scholarship, the affections of a boy, or a physical toy - I have ended up feeling quite empty, all by the time I arrive home at night after I have gained the forementioned object of desire. It’s not that I didn’t love school or volunteering or things like that, because these things in and of themselves are just things, and value neutral. The problem though, is often they were the means in which I strove to achieve other things, such as my parents attention and approval, but most of all, my own self worth and validation that I am important and deserved to be loved and cherished (isn’t that all our ends?) as a human being. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with wanting to achieve great things, but the question is why – why do you want to get married, help people, make money? These things are not bad, but how often do we stop, look at ourselves in the mirror, and ask ourselves why we do what we do everyday. Often when I need some Anna time, I would go, eyes blood shot and all, and look at myself in the mirror sans makeup. And it doesn’t take very close examination to see the pride, the envy, the selfishness that lies beneath the skin, and I realize that I am not a very pretty person after all, but full of blemishes and dark corners.

My ideal of a relationship of “life” isn’t very original. It’s the North American Dream all over again, but with church on Sundays and bible studies during a weekend and charity events on the weekends maybe. Sure I’ll make sure my job helps the forgotten in society to help themselves, compost, be vegetarian, bike instead of drive to work, volunteer in Africa or the inner city with my expertise and the other good things one should do as a responsible global citizen. Again, nothing is wrong with any of these things (and it sure damn is hard to be vegetarian when you’re Chinese! Chinese people EAT every part of the animal!), but…why? Because doing something just for my conscience, my comforts, my dreams is not good enough. I’m here, I am finally here, at the brink of university graduation, with pieces of paper (transcript and resume) that opens doors to that North American Dream, and I ask myself..what is that to me? Absolutely nothing.

I am sorry. I am sorry I continued to flirt with my own selfish ambitions when I said I would take up your call, and live not for myself but yet for God. I am sorry that I had to hurt you in the process of cleaning and gutting myself. Love isn’t what I thought it was, and I am glad. It’s a lot more than I have within me, and I think that’s a good place to start again.

World on Fire (Sarah McLachlan)
I haven’t seen many videos that have made me cry as this one did from the first time I saw it. It is inevitable that every twentysomething will go through the process of asking themselves, “what is my calling? What is my purpose on earth?” It doesn’t matter if you subscribe to a god or yourself, it’s like this innate yet uniqueness to human beings, the desire and the compelling urgency to have to subscribe meaning to our lives. Animals don’t do it, they do what they do and then they die. But that’s not enough for us, we don’t just ask the how, but we ask the why, and as Don Millar says correctly, it’s the why questions that matter, because the why questions dictate the how. When you know your why, you know where to live, with whom to live and what to do.

So how do you know your why? I think it is pretty simple. What makes you cry, I don’t mean the sniffles, but the deep soul aching cry – what makes you cry? Is it HIV/AIDS, the apathy of our country or the brokenness in your family? What fills you with joy? Is it making people laugh or hoping to inspire others with your words? What is the question, the what ifs, and what makes you angry and make you swear that you’ll never do that or I don’t want to do that! that you lie in bed thinking of before you shut your eyes. What do you see in the sunset and the morning star? What lies between what makes you cry and what gives you joy? How would that look on a daily basis? The answers are there, they’ve always been here because they are abscribed onto our hearts but we don’t always take the time to hear them, or the have the guts to listen to them.

To avoid being a hypocrite of writing things and never applying them to my own life and so I don’t forget…here’s my list:

Things that make me cry:
-being successful and empty, like a Barbie doll, lifeless

-people believing and treated as if they are not worth it because of the way we structure the world (socio-econ-politically) – from the homeless beggar on our city streets to the girl-prostitute a world away

-women being beaten (emotion-spirit-mental-physically) and women believing they have to prove themselves – from the abused little girl in Thailand to the corporate CEO killing herself to be someone

Things that fill me with joy:
-reading and writing (whatever)

-seeing families together (however you want to define family, to me, a group of broken people who nonetheless chooses everyday to live together, not just to cohabit a house)

-helping people help believe in themselves (physical-spiritual-mental-emotionally) and equipping them with all I am and all I have

-experiencing beauty whether in the colours of the sunset or the eyes of my grandmother or the smile of a stranger

Final Thoughts
I believe, because I have to and because I believe it is true (haha), that there has be something in this world that can take the things that make me cry and the things that give me joy, and bring them together in this life where I will be alive everyday, not merely living. I think that’s the way God made each of us. He doesn’t want us to live numb “normal” lives with the 9-5 (not that there’s anything wrong perse with a 9-5 job, I have one right now). But I think what’s important to remember and what I have oft forgotten this year is that the job, and the whatever it is that we end up “doing” are just tools that enable us to be who we are, and to express ourselves and ultimately show and reflect love from the God that is love from above. Nothing else, not a basis for identity. I sometimes envy the people that are satisfied and I ask, why can’t I be like that? But there’s a world on fire outside and inside. But I am so sorry you had to be hurt in the process.

The Berkeleys, the international internships, the degrees and the ring on the finger – they don’t matter anymore. I’m sorry they ever did God. That’s not the point is it? Will you take me as I am, imperfect and broken? Will someone to choose to path this life with me? Now that’s a high calling…hahaha.

Why did I decide to entitle this blog this way (I wonder what Augustine would have thought about this title…I’m sure it is not what he had in mind when he wrote Confessions…)? The confessions of a pastor-to-be’s (ex) girlfriend. I think everyone goes through similar thoughts, but maybe dating/having dated a pastor-to-be (or any care giving professional) brings them all out under a microscopic light that sheers through the soul and makes those marks clearer than usual. At least it did for me.

So what now? Be normal? What's normal? Damn it, it is so easy to be caught up in things and forget what is important, forget the world that exists around ourselves - planes crash, worlds collide and people die everyday while I am still alive. If my life is all I have, than it is what I will give.

I think I'm starting to get what it means.

I’m going to love you with my life…

To do justice, to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God – Micah 6:8
To relentlessly pursue who God made you to be – Rob Bell
To live out love in the world – Tony Campolo






(clockwise from left) Chinese embassy in Ottawa | Fireworks behind Parliament Hill on July 1 | The children's display at the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. | The one and only IMF in Washington, D.C.