"I know, I know, the sky is what makes the oceans blue..." (Ben Lee - Love me like the world is ending)

Most of the time, I try to find a reason for everything that happens, for good and bad things but mostly for the bad things that happen in life. It's like finding a reason for something helps comfort me, and make me feel better knowing that my suffering has some tall end. I feel like I am in one of those predicaments now, knowing in my mind that my present predicaments have meaning, namely to develop/refine my character, but it still sucks.

I am really glad my bro landed his first job, tho it's not the most ideal job for him, in my opinion. It's his first job though nonetheless and I want to pull my share of the weight and help out at home too, in order to support him. So when my dad asked me tonight if I could work for a few hours Tuesdays afternoons-evening after I finish work (since he can't work at the shop anymore obviously and my parents are teaching chinese school at the time), as my contribution to the family, I felt really selfish for NOT wanting to. But I really don't want to add a "few more hours" onto my 10 hour days, and be bored, bored, bored for a few more hours (there is only so much you can do when there is nothing to do...).

So I've been flipping through the little book of James and it is darn hard stuff. It talks a lot about developing patience and perseverence, about going through suffering and trials. About considering it joy. It's this whole deal about living well, living wisely, doing/being what you should be doing/being. It's a whole new response to living a life of love...and my response? Umm...sounds good guys, but I'm not there yet.

It's like there's this one prompt inside me that urges me to move out (go to grad school awayyyy in Toronto) and make a life for myself, sans the chains of 'the family'. And then there's the other part of my heart that tugs upon hearing that, and cries out, "Anna are you heartless?" Little birdie's gotta fly, indeed I think she left the nest a long time ago, but the nest is still the nest, sticky branches made with spit and all. The nest was never in many ways, in my eyes, sufficient, that is, it didn't measure up to the standards I imposed on itself - wasn't comfy enough, tall enough, and had enough time for me. But still, it's the one that shaped me, shapes me.

Life's been pretty difficult and I've been doing my fair share of asking the "whys" and mourning over "what wasn't" and "what was", and what wasn't "fair" and how it "could of been". I cry. And cry. And cry. Relationships with friends have changed, and some have outright died. A flower is beautiful, but flowers die after their season, some come back, but some don't. All we can do is appreciate the beauty now, for we don't know what will happen in the future. Concern and worries over my family continue, my aging parents, my siblings' financial securities, even though I am limited in what I can do. I guess the most is to make sure that my relationships with them are right. Try not to feel burdened and sacked. Suck it up sometimes ("be a woman " LOL no one says that). And of course, cry when necessary.

At the same time, the life juggle continues, I still have a full-time job and school. I have rolled out enough applications for a lifetime, thank you very much. Enough anxiety trying to figure out how I will pay off my student loans, finance my graduate education, do what I love...and fit in things to keep my sanity (exercise, nothingness, TRAVEL, meaningful relationships...but not necessarily in that order).

It's a tough job for a 22-year old. And yes, yes, yes, the amazing stories I have heard of people who have gone through sooooo much more than I ever will inspires me and puts life for me into perspective- through being a child soldier, a girl prostitute, you name it. But it's still hard.

Most importantly, then there's the heart, and the person you love. And maybe you have to let that go for now too, and ungrasp it from your hand because you know it's not yours when you have to grasp onto it like that. And it's like, damn. It's like everything seems to ALMOST fit together so perfectly...and also, so not at the same time. All you can do is do your stuff, and have faith that what is destined to happen, will. Most of the time, I think doing the right thing means doing the hard thing, which sucks. Yep, that's right, it sucks.

So...it's 9:48PM and I have to go sleep so I can wake up at 5:30AM for work tomorrow. I pray that God will give me the strength to wake up for the day (cuz sometimes you just don't want to), the patience to live through the day (ppl annoy you), and the wisdom to live through the day (live, live, live, not just survive).

"I know, I know the sky is what makes the oceans blue..."

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